What To Do When Your Relationship Is Struggling ?

... And How to use Nonviolent Communication.

How do I overcome challenges in a relationship ?

1. Head on, openly, sincerely, honestly & thoroughly.

2. Don’t ignore it, don’t sweep it under the rug, don’t make excuses & try your best not to play victim, the blame game or other nonsense.

3. Arguments can be healthy when they are done constructively. This requires exercising empathy and putting your focus into understanding as opposed to judging or grudging, coming up with a comeback or feeling justified dwelling on things that nothing can be done about. Have a look below on Nonviolent Communication (NVC) method.

4. Hear one another out. Be patient. It’s ok to need some cool off time or to pause. However when you do this, you must circle back.

5. Understand this is not starting the fight again or bringing up something you’ve already talked about because it was not resolved or concluded previously. This needs to take place to avoid further problems. The reason for this is because gaps of silence will inevitably always be filled in with assumptions, these will fester and turn into resentment.

6. Remember this isn’t about who’s right, who’s wrong or winning. It is about identifying, acknowledging, discussing & responsibly taking accountability for one another’s part in the problem then compromising on solution.

7. Respect your differences. It's important to respect your differences in a relationship.

8. Take a break. It doesn't mean breaking up but more get some space. Don't be afraid to spend some time apart in order to let the argument cool down, gather your thoughts and come back to the communication with a clear mind.

9. Consider what's best for you. Therefore, if you think your partner is worth it despite all the challenges and conflicts that come your way, then you have to fight for it even if the enemy is yourself. Watch out for “pride”, as it is a relationship killer. When you've found someone you love spending time with and doing life with, things can feel great !

“ Never above you, never below you, always beside you ”

Transform Your Relationship with this

3-Step Guide to Nonviolent Communication

You’ve likely heard the phrase “communication is key to relationships,” but actually expressing what bothers us—especially when we’re upset—can be challenging.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is an approach to enhanced communication, understanding, and connection based on the principles of nonviolence and humanistic psychology. It is not an attempt to end disagreements, but rather a way that aims to increase empathy and understanding to improve the overall quality of life. It seeks empathic dialogue and understanding among all parties. Nonviolent Communication evolved from concepts used in person-centered therapy, and was developed by clinical psychologist Marshall Rosenberg beginning in the 1960s and 1970s.

As a couple therapist, I’ve seen firsthand the incredible transformations that occur when couples learn to communicate more effectively. That’s why today, I’d like to introduce you to the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) method, a powerful approach that fosters understanding, empathy, and cooperation.

What is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?

Nonviolent Communication is a technique designed to help people connect more compassionately and respectfully. It’s especially beneficial for couples because it emphasizes open, honest expression and empathic listening, leading to stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Here’s a simple guide to incorporating NVC into your conversations to enhance connection and resolve conflicts constructively.

Step 1: Observe Without Judgment

The first step in NVC is to observe the situation without judgments or evaluations. This means noticing what’s happening as it is, without labeling it as “good” or “bad.” When describing what you observe, stick to the facts rather than interpretations.

Example: Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “When I was talking about my day and you looked at your phone…”

Observing without judgment reduces misunderstandings and defensiveness, laying the groundwork for a more open, productive conversation.

Remember that using 'You' feels like you're accusing, judging.

Instead, using 'I' will be received as 'ohhh he/she feels like that, I don't want him/her to feel that way'.

Step 2: Identify and Express Feelings and Needs

The next step is to clearly express your own feelings and needs. Feelings are emotional responses, like anger, sadness, or joy, while needs are the underlying desires or values—like connection, respect, or understanding—that fuel those emotions. When you’re aware of and express your feelings and needs, you help your partner understand what’s truly going on.

Example: “When I see you looking at your phone while I’m talking, I feel hurt and unimportant because I need to feel valued and heard.”

Expressing your feelings and needs openly can foster empathy and deepen your partner’s understanding of your experience.

Step 3: Make a Clear and Positive Request

Finally, make a specific, actionable request to help meet your needs. Requests are not demands—they are constructive suggestions that encourage positive change. Clear requests reduce misunderstandings and give your partner concrete ways to support you.

Example: “Would you be willing to put your phone away while we’re talking, so I can feel more connected with you?”

Framing requests respectfully and positively makes it more likely that your partner will respond well, allowing both of you to meet each other’s needs.

Conclusion

By using Nonviolent Communication, you and your partner can express yourselves more clearly, understand each other more deeply, and handle conflicts with compassion and respect. Practicing these steps—observing without judgment, identifying and expressing feelings and needs, and making clear requests—can help you build a more loving, supportive relationship. Try incorporating NVC into your daily interactions and see how it strengthens your connection!

Do you want to overcome the struggles in a relationship? Are you still curious about why your partner and you get into the same arguments every week or how to be more patient with your family? You're not the only one feeling this way. Despite our best efforts in tough times, it's never a bad idea to seek help from a professional counsellor, psychologist, or therapist. Like shoes, you have to find the right therapist that fits you. 

Book a session with a couples counselor in Hong Kong and let's figure it out together !

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