40 Life Lessons I’ve Learned by 40 (That I Wish I Knew at 20)

"If I could send a letter back to my 20-year-old self,

these are the truths that would have saved me decades of trial and error."

As a therapist in Sheung Wan, Hong Kong, I’ve seen these lessons transform lives—including my own. Whether you're navigating career changes, relationships, or personal growth, these insights can help you skip unnecessary detours.

Here are the 40 hard-earned truths that would have saved me (and maybe you) years of unnecessary struggle about:

🔹 Relationships & Connection

🔹 Work & Success

🔹 Money & Lifestyle

🔹 Mental & Emotional Health

🔹 Personal Growth

🔹 Practical Wisdom

🔹 Existential Truths

🔹 Bonus: 5 Lessons From My Therapy Practice

🔹 Relationships & Connection

1. Love Is a Choice, Not Just a Feeling

Lesson: Chemistry fades. What remains? Choice, respect, shared values, and grow with your partner.

Example: Emma and James had incredible chemistry but divorced after 3 years because they couldn't resolve conflicts about finances and life goals.

Therapist's Insight: "The strongest couples I see in my Hong Kong practice aren't those who feel the most - they're those who choose each other most consistently."

Action Step: Next time you're frustrated with your partner, ask: "How can we solve this together?" instead of "Why are you like this?"

2. Choosing a partner is not about romance

You’re also choosing a confidant, counselor, career advisor, therapist, investor, teacher, travel buddy, roommate, best friend, business partner.

And no, I’m not saying you should make your partner be all these things.

I’m saying whether you want to or not, your partner is going to become all of these things. That’s what a relationship is.

So choose wisely.

3. Be the partner you want to have

If you want a healthy and fit partner, then be healthy and fit yourself. If you want a loyal and trustworthy partner, then be loyal and trustworthy yourself.

To put it another way, would you date you?

If not, then that’s a problem.

4. Love is not the cause of commitment, but the effect

You don’t wait until you have a perfect relationship to commit to a person.

You commit to the person in order to create the perfect relationship.

5. Don’t overestimate romantic love

Love doesn’t fix relationship problems. It doesn’t make trust issues go away.

The truth is, love can harm as much as it heals. It’s an amplifier. It makes a good relationship better and a bad relationship much worse.

Don’t get me wrong, love is great. Love is beautiful when it works.

But to make a healthy relationship, by itself love is not enough.

6. You Teach People How to Treat You

If you treat yourself poorly, then you will also unconsciously seek out and tolerate others who treat you poorly.

If you treat yourself with dignity and respect, then you will only tolerate others who treat you with dignity and respect.

Get right with yourself, get right with the world.

Boundaries Are the Foundation of Healthy Relationships. Tolerate disrespect? You’ll get more of it.

Lesson: People will treat you how you allow them to treat you.

Example: Michael's friend constantly canceled plans last-minute. After Michael stopped rescheduling, the friend started showing up on time.

Question: Where are you tolerating behavior that drains you?

7. Friendships Require Active Nourishment

That "we don’t need to talk" mindset? It leaves you isolated at 40.

Question: Who have you been meaning to reconnect with?

8. Family Isn’t Always Blood

The healthiest relationships are chosen, not inherited.

9. Vulnerability Is the Ultimate Strength

Real connection starts when you risk being real.

🔹 Work & Success 40 Life Lessons I’ve Learned by 40

10. Passion Follows Mastery

Waiting to "feel motivated"? You’ll wait forever.

Lesson: Start first—inspiration comes later. Passion Follows Competence Action comes first - enjoyment develops with skill.

Example: David hated the gym for the first month. By week 6, as he saw progress, he became hooked.

Therapist's Tip: "Motivation is the reward for starting, not the requirement."

11. Your Salary Won’t Hug You at Night

No one dies wishing they’d spent more time at the office.

12. The only failure is not trying

The only rejection is not asking. The only mistake is not risking anything.

Success and failure are fuzzy concepts that only exist in your mind before you do something. Not after.

After the fact, everything will be a mixture of both. The only real failure is doing nothing.

13. Networking = Opportunity Multiplier

Your Network Expands Your Possibilities.

Lesson: Talent opens doors, but relationships build bridges to opportunities you never saw coming.

Example: One client turned a casual coffee chat with a former colleague into their dream job—proof that connections create unexpected wins.

Stat: 85% of roles are filled through networking (LinkedIn). Your next big break could be one conversation away.

Question: Who in your network could help you take your next step—if only you reached out?

Your Network Determines Your Net Worth.

🔹 Money & Lifestyle

14. Lifestyle Inflation Is a Trap

More money = more problems if you keep upgrading your wants.

The more you have, the more you want.

15. Confidence does not come from an expectation of success. It comes from a comfort with failure

There’s a word for someone who feels a need to succeed in everything: a narcissist.

Don’t be a narcissist. Embrace your flaws. Embrace failure.

16. Invest in Experiences, Not Just Things

Your memories will comfort you more than your possessions.

17. "Rich" Means Different Things Now

Health, freedom, and peace of mind outweigh bank statements.

18. Financial Independence > Retirement

Retirement Is a Flawed Goal but it's important to think of it.

Design a life you don’t need to escape from.

🔹 Mental & Emotional Health

19. Your Brain Lies to You

Lesson: Anxiety exaggerates threats. Depression generalizes failures. Thoughts aren't facts. Don’t believe everything you think.

Example: Lisa nearly declined a promotion because "I'll fail." After therapy, she recognized this as imposter syndrome - she excelled in the role.

Cognitive Trick: "Would I say this to my best friend?"

20. If you have to explain someone you’re that, then you’re not that

A rich man doesn’t feel the need to show people he’s rich.

A smart man doesn’t feel the need to tell people he’s smart.

A confident person doesn’t have to show people he’s confident. He just is.

Don’t say it. Be it.

You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, including yourself.

Let me say that again: you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, including yourself.

21. Therapy Is Cheaper Than Crises

A stitch in time saves nine. Your mind deserves maintenance.

Lesson: Preventive mental healthcare saves years of struggle.

Example: Mark sought help for work stress before it became burnout. His colleague waited until hospitalization.

Hong Kong Reality: Expats often delay therapy until relationships or careers are in crisis.

22. There’s no such thing as a bad emotion, only a bad response to an emotion

Every emotion can be used constructively or destructively.

One of the most useful things you can ever learn in your life is to figure out how to channel your negative emotions constructively.

23. Happiness Is a Skill

It’s not about circumstances—it’s about daily practices. A happy life is not a life without stress. It’s a life of meaningful stress

24. The most sexy and exciting things in life are the opposite

These things start out extremely fun, but then have intense diminishing returns.

When you’re young, these things distract you and occupy a lot of your time and attention. I’m talking about social media, casual sex, drugs and alcohol, video games, gambling, vacations.

The first time is incredible. The second time is almost as good. But then it’s all downhill from there.

Be sure to experience all of these things for a little bit, but then quickly move on.

25. You Are Your Own Greatest Ally

True growth begins when you realize: No external achievement, person, or milestone will "complete" you.

That slight restlessness you feel? It's not a flaw - it's your built-in motivation system.

The Liberation: When you stop waiting for rescue, you discover your own strength. That persistent itch of dissatisfaction? It's not a sign something's wrong - it's proof you're alive, growing, and meant for more.

The Truth: Everyone feels this way sometimes. The most fulfilled people aren't those who wait for perfect circumstances, but those who embrace their power to create change.

Question: What's one small step you can take today to become your own best supporter?

(Because the most powerful transformations begin when we stop waiting - and start building.)

26. If you can’t say no, then your yeses mean nothing

We are defined by what we give up, what we sacrifice, and what we reject.

If you sacrifice nothing and reject nothing, then you have no identity. You are merely a reflection of the preferences and demands of the people around you.

In other words, if you don’t decide who you are, other people will decide for you.

27. Being normal

Statistically speaking, a normal person is physically unhealthy, emotionally anxious and depressed, socially lonely, and financially in debt.

So yeah, being normal.

🔹 Personal Growth

28. Growth is rarely accompanied by joy and celebration

On the contrary, growth is usually painful to some degree.

That’s because growth requires loss—a loss of your old values, your old behaviors, your old loves, your old identity.

Change always has a component of grief to it, so be sure to let yourself grieve.

29. Your Environment Shapes You

Lesson: You're the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.

Example: When Mia joined a runners' group, her 5K time dropped 25% without extra training.

Action Step: Audit your inner circle this month.

Also, Don’t make assumptions about people. Everyone Is Fighting a Battle You Can’t See.

You have no idea what they’ve been through.

Don’t make assumptions about yourself either. Chances are you have no idea what you’re talking about.

The last person we’re objective about is ourselves.

30. No one thinks about you as much as you think about yourself

Whatever you’re insecure about, chances are 99% of people around you haven’t even noticed it.

This is because everybody else is too busy thinking about themselves.

This may strike you as a little bit depressing, but it’s actually liberating. It means that you are judged far less than you think.

31. Curiosity > Certainty

The more you think you know, the less you learn.

32. Pain Is Inevitable—Suffering Is Optional

Resistance magnifies struggle. Acceptance diffuses it.

33. Small Decisions Define You

Not the grand gestures—the daily micro-choices.

🔹 Practical Wisdom

34. Trust Actions, Not Words

People reveal themselves through behavior over time.

35. Nothing meaningful in life is easy, nothing easy in life is meaningful

We think we’d like to have everything handed to us on a silver platter. But the truth is that we don’t appreciate or enjoy things that we don’t struggle for.

So stop avoiding the difficult things in your life and instead find the difficult things you enjoy.

36. Most Debates Aren’t Worth It

Does being right improve anything?

You Can’t Reason With Unreasonable People.

Save your energy for better battles.

🔹 Existential Truths

37. You’ll Never Feel "Ready"

Start before you’re ready. Learn by doing.

38. Time Accelerates

The days are long, but the decades are short.

Lesson: The days feel long but the years fly by.

Example: A client realized he'd spent 7 years at a job he hated - "It felt like maybe 2 years."

Perspective Shift: "Will this matter in 5 years?"

39. Legacy > Likes

What matters won’t trend on social media.

40. The Meaning of Life Is to Give It Meaning

Not to find it—to create it.

🔹 Bonus: 5 Lessons From My Therapy Practice

41. Midlife crises are unmet needs in disguise

42. Childhood patterns replay until addressed

43. Most conflicts stem from unspoken expectations

44. Self-awareness is the first step to change

45. It’s never too late to rewrite your story

    
    
    
    

🔹 The Question That Changes Everything

If you keep living exactly as you are—where will you be in 10 years?

• Thriving in alignment with your values?

• Or full of "what if"?

📍 Based in Sheung Wan, Central Hong Kong, I help clients with therapy to:

✓ Navigate life transitions

✓ Break self-sabotaging patterns

✓ Build fulfilling relationships

📞 WhatsApp me to book your therapy session to understand the patterns and try to solve them. Your future self is waiting.

"Youth is a gift. Wisdom is a choice. What will you choose today?"

40 Life Lessons I’ve Learned by 40