Should I Stay or Should I Go? The Psychology Behind Relational Ambivalence
- theprocesshk
- May 10
- 3 min read
Updated: May 25
Love isn’t always a clear yes or no. Sometimes, it’s a "I don’t know"—a tug-of-war between comfort and longing, between history and possibility.
If you’ve ever asked yourself:
"Is this just a phase, or are we truly incompatible?"
"I love them, but I’m not in love anymore—what now?"
"We’re stuck in a rut—can we break free?"
You’re not alone. Relational ambivalence—the tension between staying and leaving—is a normal, even inevitable, part of long-term love.
Let’s explore why we stay when we’re unhappy, how to know when to fight for a relationship (or let go), and what it really means to choose—not out of fear, but clarity.
1. Why Do We Stay When We’re Unhappy?
① The Sunk Cost Fallacy
"I’ve invested so much time—I can’t walk away now."
Example: Mark stays in a 10-year relationship because leaving feels like "wasting" a decade.
Psychology: We overvalue what we’ve already put in, even if it’s not working (Arkes & Blumer, 1985).
② Fear of the Unknown
"Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t."
Example: Sarah stays because being alone terrifies her more than staying unhappy.
APA Insight: Fear of uncertainty keeps 62% of people in stagnant relationships (Journal of Social & Personal Relationships, 2023).
③ Comfort & Routine
"We’re like roommates… but it’s easier than starting over."
Example: James and Priya haven’t had sex in a year, but their shared life (mortgage, dog, friends) feels too entangled to unravel.
2. When Is It Worth Fighting For?Should I Stay or Should I Go
✅ You Still Respect Each Other
Even in conflict, there’s underlying care.
✅ You’re Willing to Do the Work
Therapy, communication exercises, intentional dates.
✅ The Issues Are Fixable
(Routine ≠ incompatibility.)
Example: After 15 years, Ana and Luis felt like strangers. Instead of splitting, they tried "relationship remodeling"—weekly check-ins, scheduled intimacy, and solo trips to rediscover themselves.
Psychology APA Source: Couples who reintroduce novelty report higher satisfaction (Aron et al., 2000).
3. How to Break the Routine (Before Giving Up)
🔹 The "90-Day Experiment"
Commit to 3 months of intentional effort before deciding.
Weekly "State of the Union" talks
Scheduled adventures (no phones, no distractions)
Individual therapy to address personal blocks
🔹 Rebuild Attraction
Eye-gazing exercises (studies show it boosts connection)
New experiences together (travel, classes, even cooking challenges)
Alone time (missing each other is healthy)
Example: Maya and Tom reignited passion by taking salsa classes—forcing them to sync physically again.
4. When Is It Time to Go?
🚩 Contempt Has Replaced Kindness
(Sarcasm, eye-rolling, stonewalling = toxic signs.)
🚩 You’ve Grown in Opposite Directions
(Values, life goals, emotional needs no longer align.)
🚩 One (or Both) of You Has Checked Out
(No effort = no future.)
Example: After years of resentment, Claire realized she was staying out of guilt—not love. Leaving was painful, but she finally felt free.
Final Question:
Are You Choosing Fear or Freedom?
Staying and leaving require courage.
The real question isn’t just "Should I stay or go?" but:
"Am I making this choice from a place of love—or fear?"
If you’re stuck in the in-between, therapy can help you:
✔ Clarify your true needs
✔ Communicate without blame
✔ Make a decision you won’t regret
📞 WhatsApp me to book your therapy session in Sheung Wan, Central Hong Kong to understand the patterns and try to solve them. Your relationship deserves honesty, not just habit.
The bravest thing you can do in love isn’t leaving—it’s deciding how to love, without lies." 💔➡️❤️
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