Is It Love, or Is It Narcissism?

Have you ever felt like you’re walking on eggshells in your relationship? Do you sometimes wonder if you’re the "crazy one", too sensitive, too needy, or just not good enough?

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many people in relationships with individuals exhibiting narcissistic traits feel exactly this way: isolated, exhausted, and deeply misunderstood. But what you’re experiencing may not be a "relationship problem" in the usual sense. It may be the predictable impact of being close to someone with narcissistic personality traits.

In her groundbreaking book, " Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist ", Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains that narcissism isn’t just about self-absorption, it’s a pervasive pattern of behavior that erodes the well-being of those in its wake. Let’s explore what that really looks like in everyday life.

Is It Love, or Is It Narcissism? Recognizing the Signs That You’re in a Relationship with a Narcissist.

❤️🩹 The Narcissistic Partner: Traits You Might Recognize

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by a long-term pattern of exaggerated self-importance, need for admiration, and lack of empathy. Here’s how these traits show up in romantic relationships:

😥 Feeling Drained in Your Relationship? Here are 14 signs you might be dating or in a relationship with a narcissist, with real-life examples you may recognize:

1️⃣ Attempts to Isolate You

Example: “I don’t like your friends—they’re a bad influence. Let’s just spend time together instead.”

2️⃣ Challenging Your Reality (Gaslighting)

Example: “You’re remembering it wrong—I never said that. You always twist things.”

3️⃣ Blaming You for Everything

Example: “If you hadn’t been so distracted, I wouldn’t have gotten so angry.”

4️⃣ Monitoring Your Friends & Whereabouts

Example: “Who are you texting? Why were you 10 minutes late?”

5️⃣ Projecting Their Imperfections Onto You

Example: “You’re the selfish one—not me. You never think about my needs.”

6️⃣ Discounting Your Opinions & Needs

Example: “You don’t really feel that way—you’re just being dramatic.”

7️⃣ Arrogant or Haughty Attitude

Haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Example: “Most people aren’t on my level intellectually—it’s hard to find someone who can keep up.”

Example: They mock your taste in music, movies, or hobbies as “inferior” to theirs. 

8️⃣ Taking Advantage of Others

Example: Uses your connections for career opportunities but gives nothing in return.

Example: They encourage you to take out a loan for their business idea, but offer nothing in return, not even gratitude.  

9️⃣ Believing They’re Unique & Special

Example: “Regular rules don’t apply to me—I see things differently.”

🔟 Exaggerating Their Achievements

Example: Takes full credit for a team project or inflates their role in past successes.

1️⃣1️⃣ Jealousy of You & Others

Example: “Must be nice having it so easy,” when you share good news.

1️⃣2️⃣ Lacking Empathy

Example: When you’re upset, they say: “Can we talk about this later? I’ve had a long day.”

1️⃣3️⃣ Grandiosity

They believe they are “special” and unique, and can only be understood by other special people.

Example: Your partner name-drops constantly, dominates conversations, and belittles your achievements. When you get a promotion, they remind you that “it’s not as prestigious as what they do.”

1️⃣4️⃣ Need for Excessive Admiration

They require constant attention, validation, and praise.

Example: They fish for compliments, post constantly on social media for likes, and become irritable when you don’t mirror their self-image.

🧠 The Impact on You: It’s More Than “Feeling Down”

Living with or loving someone with narcissistic traits doesn’t just lead to occasional arguments, it can reshape your emotional world. Here’s what survivors often experience:

- Chronic Self-Doubt: You start questioning your memory, feelings, and sanity, a phenomenon known as gaslighting.

- Loss of Identity: To keep the peace, you abandon your hobbies, preferences, and even friendships.

- Anxiety & Hypervigilance: You’re always scanning for mood shifts or potential conflicts.

- Depression & Isolation: The relationship feels lonely, even when you’re together.

- Physical Symptoms: Stress can manifest as headaches, digestive issues, constant tiredness or sleep disturbances (1).

As Dr. Durvasula writes, “The greatest tragedy of these relationships is not what the narcissist did to you, but what you started to do to yourself: silencing your voice, abandoning your needs, and losing your truth.”

📚 What Does the Research Say?

Studies show that prolonged exposure to narcissistic behavior is linked to symptoms of complex trauma (2). Partners of individuals with NPD often experience:

- Decreased self-worth

- Emotional dysregulation

- Attachment insecurity

- Post-traumatic stress symptoms

This isn’t just “hard times.” This is psychological injury, and it deserves treatment, not minimization.

🌱 There Is a Way Forward: Reclaiming Your Life

If you see yourself in these words, it’s time to make a change, not just for your relationship, but for yourself. Psychotherapy can help you:

- Rebuild self-esteem and trust in your own judgment

- Set firm, healthy boundaries

- Process grief and anger

- Break the cycle of trauma bonding

You don’t have to navigate this alone. At The Process HK, we specialize in supporting people just like you, those ready to move from surviving to thriving.

A Final Question for Reflection:

What if the real question wasn't:

“Why did I stay?”

But instead :

“What did this relationship teach me about my own boundaries and worth?”

 ✅ Take the First Step Today

You deserve a relationship where you feel seen, heard, and valued, not drained, manipulated, or diminished.

Click below to schedule a confidential session with a counsellor therapist.

Together, we’ll help you find clarity, confidence, and the courage to write your next chapter.

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References/ Sources :

(1) American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.).

(2) Courtois, C. A. (2004). Complex trauma, complex reactions: Assessment and treatment. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 41(4), 412–425.

Durvasula, R. (2015). Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist.